CLS Sandoval

Dedication

Gateway Community Church was still Lincoln Ave. Baptist Church. We didn’t believe in baptizing children until they were old enough to decide to choose Jesus. We would dedicate them in the sense that the church would be dedicated to loving and helping take care of these children. I remember on the day of Tiffany’s dedication, I stood there with bright lights in my face wearing a white straw hat and an Easter color dress with lots of seams down the full skirt. They were horizontal and created a texture that I loved to finger. As Pastor Craig explained what dedicating a baby to the church meant, the fingers of my right hand slid down the back of my full skirt to pull at each decorative steam, and the texture.  It was one of the first times I felt like I was living in a movie and I was the star. I was pulled back into reality as Pastor Craig asked who would be dedicated to Tiffany. I raised my hand high up above my head, shielding my eyes from the spotlight, and expressing my dedication to my sister.

The Pap Smear

 

My nerves make my blood pressure

so high

that the nurse is concerned

 

I tell her that this happens every year

doesn’t matter that this physician is female

far more gentle

explains everything so clearly

 

My body stiffens

Dr. says just relax

it makes it worse if I’m anxious

 

My pelvis won’t listen to my brain

she thinks she knows better

maybe she does

 

As the doctor inserts the speculum

I take a deep breath

press down on my abdomen

 

I hear a squeal next to my left ear

then a full-on cry

 

“Can I turn her around?”

The doctor offers to swivel my 18-month old’s stroller

so she can’t see anything but my face

 

Can’t see what the doctor is doing to me

won’t worry that her mommy is being attacked

or that the future may have a similar attack in store

for her

Trust

 

We had only been reunited for a few months at that point. My mom had experienced a break with reality that resulted in her being diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the age of 72. Right toward the end of that fog, she met a man who she was just completely smitten with. “We are getting married!” Mom could hardly contain her excitement. The anticipation of this marriage, to be her fifth, took years off her face. She looked like a young blushing bride. In that moment I begged her not to marry him. I knew that she met him when she was still coming back to reality. I knew he had absolutely nothing financially. I was worried that he only cared about her money. She insisted that they would be married. I asked her if she insisted on marrying him if she would please make a power of attorney or some other document that would say if she lost touch with reality again I would have control of her finances so that her new husband couldn’t take what she had worked her entire life for.  She agreed.

Mom had a trust made

I did not read till her death

They married in May